Sex: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. This because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the woman wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
Maturity: Women mature much faster then men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms: A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Eating out: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in £20 notes, even though it's only for £12.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Jewellery: Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people or order pizza. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours
Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer
Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women
Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Offspring: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
Restrooms: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.
Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men in the U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics. After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?
Dressing up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.
Nudity in Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Politics: Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
Locker Rooms: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE!
Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside-out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundrette. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundrette. This is a myth.
Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalisers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
Plants: A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Nicknames: With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.
Moustaches: Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.